Bonus Level 19
by Kristin The Writer
Summary: This is a fic about my friend Jess and I, zoomin' back to Middle-Earth. Fangirlish humor, but it's all in good fun.
1. Default Chapter

A/N: My friend Jessica (not to be confused with the Jess from the Bree Girls' fics!) and I went to see The Two Towers today. While we were in the car on the way back, we (well, she) had the bright idea to write us in a fanfiction… and this is what happened. I know I've seen something that's like this somewhere, either on TV or in a movie, but I really can't remember where to give it credit. It must've been years ago anyway.  
  
  
  
Grinning, I looked up to my friend Jessica – one of my best friends – and then my eyes dropped right back to the game.  
  
Oh, the game.  
  
Is it just me, or is the dancey-game (in our mall, a cheap rip-off of Dance Dance Revolution), incredibly sexy? I believe the term that I used was 'orgasmic'. The way the boys who play – and it always seems to be boys – move, the way they dance and jump across the step-padded boards. The way their bodies and hips move, feet hitting the tiles at the correct moment to get a Perfect score... striving always for that A.  
  
I get fucking poetic about that game.  
  
"Kristin, you're drooling," Jessica giggled, in her anime-like voice (she always reminded me of one of those girls in the cartoons, with the high-pitched very cutesy voice), rolling her eyes at me. We were sitting in the back of our arcade, her on a red leather stool that the Arcade people put there for people like me who watch the dancey-game people, and me in the seat of the Star Wars game, playing with the joystick. Jessica has short blonde hair, spiked and held up with about five bottles of hair gel, always very perfect. She's anal retentive about her hair. She's wearing her favorite olive green hoodie and a pair of jeans, we both have glasses on. I'm wearing my fairly-long red-brown hair in braided pigtails, with a brown shirt with very big sleeves, in honor of medieval style, Eowyn-ish clothes, and a long khaki cargo kind of skirt… and, of course, since we just got back from the movies, my One Ring replica securely on a silver chain around my neck.  
  
"Aren't they amazing?" I breathed, eyes lit up, watching two boys – one, we've met before; he had spiky hair with glitter in it – on the dancey-machine. The one with the glitter hair was a cheerleader at one of our neighboring schools. Yes, a boy cheerleader.  
  
And, I quote myself – 'bendy'.   
  
".. how many rock candy sticks have you had?"  
  
"Ten."  
  
"Oh Jesus."   
  
"Look," I whispered, pointing as the other one – a blonde, with very baggy pants – did a few amazing moves. Sighing softly, I turned away when their game was over, sharing a grin with Jessica. And then we got up, wandering off to the side of the Arcade, looking at the random games placed there.  
  
"Look," she nodded her head toward the side, a game that I haven't seen before.  
  
"Must be new," I replied with a shrug, walking to it to check it out. "Oh, sweet!" It was a Lord of the Rings game! I dug into my pocket, shuffling with the spare change and finally got a quarter. "Let's play." We put in our quarters, and started to play.  
  
"Jessica," I grumbled, shaking my head and maneuvering my player – I ended up with Aragorn – through the battle of Helm's Deep. She, however, was having no problem with shooting about eight Uruks in rapid succession, playing Legolas. "You need to stop playing Final Fantasy so much and leave the fricken' house sometimes."   
  
"Bite me, Kristin."  
  
"No thanks, not hungry. All that rock candy, you know."  
  
We played for a few minutes, which turned into an hour, we seemingly could never die. I figured out the puzzles, having had read the books a few times, most of them were easy. And Jessica was incredible at playing the battles, all of that time she spent at home with Tekken 3 or whatever the hell she played, must've come in handy or something.   
  
After we finished Helm's Deep, there was a level where we had to save Frodo from the Shelob, and then we played the Ents taking Isengard. Then, there was the huge Battle of Pellenor Fields, and then finally Gollum fell into Mt. Doom. We thought it was the end, for the credits scrolled. But neither of us moved a muscle.  
  
The screen lit up, the words "BONUS LEVEL" jumping out at us. Sharing a grin, Jessica and I turned back to the game.  
  
And a bright light engulfed us, pulling us forward. 


	2. Chapter Two

A/N: Glad you guys enjoyed it! Here comes another chapter! Oh, and by the way, I am annoyed. Government homework last night took me fucking 3 hours! What the hell?! And yes, I *DID* skip school today. Deal with it, Jessica. And PS: Monkeypotato is Jessica, and she plays lots of video games, so everyone make fun of her now. ^.^ And if I had Everquest, Asheron's Call, or Sims Online, no one would ever see me out of the house, so I'm not really one to talk.   
  
  
  
Blinking, I stood up, climbing to my feet beside Jessica, who was still half-sitting, half-laying on the dirt. Yes, dirt. Something was incredibly, incredibly wrong here, when there was dirt in the arcade.  
  
"Toto, I don't think we're in the mall anymore," I mumbled lightly, looking down to Jess. She rolled her eyes, standing up and running her hands through her hair, straightening it.  
  
"My hair is fucking ruined."  
  
"Oh, boo hoo," I giggled, shaking my head and rubbing my elbow. We were surrounded by tree branches, and wood chips, dirt and ash littering the ground beneath our feet. Speaking of which, I was wearing my brother's shoes, which were at least three sizes too big, because I couldn't find mine while we were at home.  
  
And, I quote myself: "Flooppyyyy feeettt!"  
  
"Where ARE we?" I heard Jessica murmur, and I couldn't help but think the same thing, looking around into the distance. We were facing a huge forest that somehow looked familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. Slowly, we turned around, almost as one, and my jaw dropped.  
  
For there, in the distance, was Isengard.  
  
At least, it looked like Isengard, a huge black stone tower raised high, a circle of stone – covered now in water – surrounding it. And dots. Moving dots. Blinking, I looked to Jessica, and then back at the sight before us.  
  
"Oh... holy... shit." I muttered to myself, while Jessica took a few steps forward.  
  
"Dude," she murmured, and I nodded in agreement.  
  
And then we started running.  
  
We ran down the hill, through a bit of forest, and right to the doors of Isengard. And were promptly lifted up and squeezed by an Ent.  
  
"HEY!" Jessica shouted, squirming a bit, its eight fingers only squeezing harder. "Kristin, make them stop it!"  
  
"What the fuck do you want me to do about it, genius?" I grumbled, looking up at the Ent in surprise, shock... gasping in a hard breath, squeezed tightly.  
  
"What is this, hoom ba room?"  
  
"Talk to it, Kristin," Jessica whispered, and I rolled my eyes.  
"You sure? Maybe I shouldn't encourage it."  
  
It squeezed harder, glaring down at us. "Holy shit!" Jessica exclaimed, her back cracking in several places.   
  
"Ahhh!" I cried, closing my eyes tight. "Sir Ent, could you kindly loosen up? Just a bit? We'd like to leave this with our spleens intact, thanks."  
  
The eyebrows, which looked like bits of moss, of the Ent eased upward, and he looked surprised.  
  
"How do you know what I am, boom ha room?"  
  
Jessica smirked to me, and I grinned up at the Ent. "You're an Ent… A tree-herder… a Shepard of the forest. One of the Onodrim."  
  
The Ent laughed, heartily, and then started a slow pace, but his strides were long, and soon he'd taken us to the center, right at the base of the tower.  
  
And there sat a very familiar pair of Hobbits, and a rather familiar Ent.   
  
  
~* A/N: REVIEW! *~ 


	3. Chapter Three

A/N: Okay, okay, back in school - I figure if I can't crawl my way out of bed, there's no way I can graduate. Two things, Jessica: One, yes, I will make it long. I'll rub some Deep Heat on it; and two, what the hell are you talking about, your hair making men hard? Whatever.  
  
  
I grinned, looking from Pip, to Merry, to Treebeard, and back. Jessica rolled her eyes, especially when I leaned over and whispered, "It's Pippin."  
  
And then the Ent that carried us tossed us to the ground, not so lightly. Almost immediately, I felt a set of hands on my shoulder and arm as Merry helped me up. Pippin was trying to help Jessica, but she seemed more interested in the state of her hair.   
  
"Thanks, Merry," I mumbled under my breath, and the Hobbit smiled and nodded courteously for a moment before he suddenly looked shocked.  
  
"How'd you know my name?"  
  
"Aside from the fact that she wants to bang your cousin?" asked Jessica with a grin.  
  
"Bang?" Pippin echoed, eyes wide. She was opening her mouth to reply, probably something vulgar that would leave the Hobbit scarred for life, when a booming voice interrupted us from above.   
  
"Enough of this nonsense!"  
  
"Sorry, Treebeard," I said quickly, and poked Jessica, who was searching the ground for a lost necklace. Seriously. When she wore so many, how could she tell if ONE was missing? She straightened up and smiled.  
  
"Who are you, boom ha room?"  
  
"We're..." I started, but Jessica cut in.  
  
"Travelers from distant lands, we come to you now in the hour of your need, for we have foreseen many things and we know that the stars and planets align against you - SAILOR MOON!"  
  
You know the face-fault thing that anime characters do and then fall over? That was basically my reaction to Jessica's little outburst. But it seemed to work on the Hobbits and Ents, who were gazing at us in awe.  
  
"Remind me to burn your Sailor Moon tapes when we get back," I mumbled, and she grinned and shrugged.  
  
"It was better than saying we want to molest the hobbit and elf."  
  
~*~  
  
Jessica and I shared a grin, sprawled out on the steps of Isengard, chit-chatting while we waited for Merry and Pippin scouring the orcs' and wild men's supplies.  
  
"So does Legolas show up here?" she asked, casually, and I rolled my eyes, giving her The Look. You know. The one normally reserved for fangirls.  
  
"Well, if you would've read the BOOK," I replied testily, and she glared. "You would know that Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, and Gandalf, and a bunch of other guys, come here after Helm's Deep."  
  
"Well you just spoiled the third movie for me."  
  
"Nah... just Tolkien's version. Peter Jackson will probably have them flying to Never-Never Land or something like that."  
  
We giggled and I straightened a bit when I saw Pip and Merry approaching with boxes of supplies in hand. They flopped onto the steps below us, and I grinned, making a few obscene gestures in Pippin's general direction.  
  
"Would you ladies like a bit of pipeweed?" Merry asked, friendly, and I snickered, calling back down.  
  
"Drugs are bad, mmkay?"  
  
"Mmkay?" he replied, confsued.  
  
"Mmkay!"  
  
"Mmkay?" asked Pippin, eyes wide.  
  
"MMKAY!" I shouted back, and Jessica giggled, hopping down to join them in getting high. I just sat back and watched.   
  
A few hours passed, and Jessica had led the Hobbits through rousing renditions of "Ice Ice Baby" and "I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt". Why, I have no idea.  
  
When, in the distance, figures approached.  
  
  
  
~*A/N: And I'm leaving it there, so Jessica can wait her ass until tomorrow to read about her precious elf. *~ 


	4. Chapter Four

A/N: Fanfiction.net is down. What's THAT all about? Pfft.  
  
  
"I wonder how the others fare," Pippin was saying, and Jessica grinned, looking up to me.   
  
"It depends. Are we in the movie or the book?"  
  
Jessica snorted, but Pip and Merry looked quite confused.   
  
"Cause if we're in the movie, Frodo and Sam are probably at Osgiliath and Haldir's dead."  
  
"Kristin!" Jessica hissed, and I blinked, turning to her.  
  
"Wha?"  
  
"Should you really be telling them that?"  
  
"Oh, what is it going to hurt?"  
  
"Well," she said, thinking and then crossing her arms. "What about the grandfather paradox and the Under the Sea dance and the disappearing guitar playing hands-"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"English class."  
  
"Was I there that day?"  
  
She giggled and rolled her eyes. "Probably not."  
  
Grinning, I looked up into the distance, spotting a bunch of horses coming down the path to the tower.   
  
"Oh, god, don't look now.. elfie approaches."  
  
The biggest mistake you can ever make, is telling a fangirl that Legolas is coming. I think my eardrums popped from the squeal. Groaning, I poked her, and she giggled excitedly. The men on the horses made their way up.. I could see Gandalf, in white, riding up on Shadowfax; Aragorn on his horse and Legolas and Gimli on theirs. Jessica was all but bouncing up and down on the stairs, squirming at the sight of the elf. Oh, lord.  
  
"Calm down," I mumbled, and she shook her head.   
  
From above, a voice rang out, bellowing down to us.  
  
"WHAT on this Middle Earth was that squealing sound?"  
  
I snickered, poking Jess, and called back up to Saruman.  
  
"A fangirl!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Do you have banshees in Middle-Earth?"  
  
Jessica thwapped me. Just then, Gandalf, Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli rode up. There was a series of thuds, banging sounds, and a final 'flop' as Jessica fainted and tumbled down the stairs.   
  
Leaping down from his horse, Gimli leaned over her, hands moving to her shoulders and shaking. Roughly.  
  
"Ahhhhh!" shouted Jessica as she was shaken, and she opened her eyes, glaring up at him.  
  
"... you're not an elf."  
  
Snickering, I rolled my eyes, and shook my head. Meanwhile, Jessica was lamenting over Gimli's lack of long golden hair and - of course - pointy ears.  
  
"Who are you?" Aragorn asked, coming up to me while Jessica was trying to hold onto her consciousness.  
  
"Kristin, that's Jessica."  
  
"Oh. Where are you from?"  
  
"A distant land."  
  
He nodded a bit, bewildered as Jessica tried to reach out and grab a little bit of elf. Gimli hid a smirk behind his beard, and Merry and Pippin began on their third pint of ale.  
  
Was I the only sane one there?  
  
Apparently not, I realized, as Saruman started throwing random bits of furniture down at us. Ducking a chair, I looked to Gandalf, narrowing my eyes.  
  
"Can't you control him?"  
  
  
~*A/N: I can't really think of anything more to write now, so I'm stopping. lol. *~ 


	5. Chapter Five

~* A/N: Jessica's bitching at me to write. I've got the Pippin action figure for inspiration. He is my muse. *~  
  
  
While Saruman and Gandalf were talking, Jessica was gazing up at Legolas, those little cartoon hearts practically in her eyes. Oh, lord help us.  
  
Gimli sat on the steps, inspecting his axe, and Aragorn stood by Gandalf's side. Pippin and Merry were watching, amazed. I was watching Pippin, but I had the dignity to not have cartoon hearts. For I am not a fangirl.  
  
Legolas sighed, and pulled his daggers from his belt, twirling them slightly and resheathing them. I thought Jessica was going to fall over.  
  
"Oh, for the love of god," I mumbled to myself, rolling my eyes and moving over to Legolas, striking up conversation. Jessica watched on, probably wondering how I got the ability to speak. It's called 'reading the books and not being a fangirl', for those of you who wonder.  
  
"So.. Haldir?" I asked idly, raising my eyebrows. I wanted to determine if we were in the movies or in the books.  
  
"What of him?" he responded, blinking and looking down to me.  
  
"He still in Lothlorien?"  
  
"Far as I know," replied the elf, sounding slightly confused. I grinned and nodded. Books.   
  
  
Conversation died down when, thrown from a window above where Saruman was, something crashed to the ground, narrowly missing Jessica. Although, if it would've landed on her hair, it might've bounced back up to Wormtongue, who threw it from within Isengard.  
  
"What is it?" asked Jessica, clinging to Legolas for comfort after her near-death experience.  
  
"The palantir," I breathed, and reached down to pick it up, grinning as I peered inside.  
  
And I saw something that I certainly did not expect.   
  
"PORN?!" I cried out, throwing it down and letting it roll to Gandalf's feet. "Wormtongue was watching PORN up there?!"  
  
I heard a shout of rage from Saruman, indicating that he'd realized what Wormtongue threw. Gandalf was mildly amused, picking up the orb and placing it for "safe keeping" (Yeah, right, old pervert) in a pocket of his robe.  
  
  
"What's porn?" asked Pippin quietly after, blinking innocently. I grinned, looking up to Jessica and she groaned, shaking her head.  
  
"No, Kristin.. a demonstration with the hobbit is NOT necissary."  
  
"Aw, come on!"  
  
"NO! I don't want to see any midgets running around naked."  
  
"Like I want to see that pansy elf in the buff?"  
  
"OH!" She shouted, jaw dropping and tackling me. "You're gonna die!"  
  
"He's not a Midget, he's a HOBBIT!"  
  
"Same difference, except for midgets have bigger di-"  
  
"OH! Don't go there! I doubt that the elf even *has* one!"  
  
We wrestled and kicked the crap out of each other for a few minutes, all the while shrieking and screaming at each other.  
  
Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, Gandalf, Pippin, and Merry stepped back, watching, matching frightened looks on their faces.  
  
  
~* A/N: Me and Jessica almost just got into it while I was writing this. lol. I'll kick her ass. *~ 


	6. Chapter Six

~*A/N: Jessica is trying to assault the Pippin action figure. Jessica must die. Maybe I'll make her kiss Gimli in the next chapter. *~  
  
  
After several minutes of what's commonly known as "chick fighting", with much pulling of the hair (my hair, not hers, since she doesn't really have enough to pull or get a good grip on, so I was happy to just mess it up a lot) and scratching with nails (since I chew mine off, I was clearly at a disadvantage... scratch that (hah, pun), neither of us had nails. But we tried, dammit.), Jessica and I stood up, still glowering at each other.  
  
"Pippin is hotter," I said, clenching my teeth and glaring.  
  
"Legolas is hotter," she replied, glaring.. both men (well, Hobbit and elf) blushed profusely. Apparently, they knew what 'hot' meant.  
  
A pause came, quickly interrupted by me, saying: "Dude, wonder how Wormtongue got THAT nickname."  
  
And a peal of giggles followed, all fight forgotten, and we shared knowing looks. Yeah. Fricken perverted Saruman.. euw.  
  
"As long as you don't write a Saruman - Wormtongue slash," Jessica was saying, and I looked (and felt) ill. Pippin leaned up, whispering to his cousin.  
  
"What are they talking about, Merry?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Oh.. Merry?"  
  
"What?"  
  
".. I'm hungry."  
  
~*~  
  
That night, the sun set to the West of Isengard (A/N: Jessica's laughing at me. Where else would it set, she says.), and the night sky was filled with glittering stars. Pippin and Merry sat outside, as did Legolas, while Gimli and Aragorn went inside a.. place (I know they were inside in the book, I just can't remember.. where...). Jessica and I sat under the tree, plotting.  
  
"I want to kiss Legolas."  
  
"I know. Listen. How do you think we'll be able to get home?"  
  
"... I want to kiss Legolas."  
  
"Heard you the first time. Do you think it's one of those typical corny fanfiction plots where we have to beat the level to get back home?"  
  
"... maybe we have to kiss Legolas."  
  
"You go right ahead and do that." I pointed to where Legolas stood, and gave her a nice hard shove in the right direction. There. Finally, I could think.  
  
If that cute little Hobbit wasn't standing right there, I could've, that is.  
  
  
~* A/N: And I'm spent. Period's almost over anyway, I'll write some more later today. We'll see if Jessica gets to kiss Legolas (or if she's still trying to harm the action figure and I'll have to make her make out with Gimli or Wormtongue or something instead) in the next one! (Or the one after that.) *~ 


	7. Chapter Seven

A/N: I am catching hell from Jessica for not writing this weekend. I read Timeline by Michael Crichton instead. (Already a fic in the works about that!) Has anyone out there read that? It rocks! PS: Yes, I KNOW there are no trees in Isengard. Me and Jessica must be sitting under an Ent. Oh yeah - //thoughts//  
  
  
Jessica gulped and moved toward Legolas, wracking her brain to try to remember something in Elvish (other than "Noro Lim" and "Havo dad") Bet she wished she'd paid more attention to me, right?   
  
"I.." she started, and he looked up, blinking. "I am-amar pres...tar ae-aen?" she stumbled over the words. Legolas smirked.   
  
"I do speak Common," he said gently, and Jessica offered a sheepish grin.  
  
"I know."  
  
"Then why do you try to speak words that your mortal tongue is ill-equipped to form?"  
  
// Oh my god. Legolas is talking about my tongue. //  
  
There was a lengthy pause, during which Jessica stared up at the elf, wide-eyed.  
  
"My lady?"  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
I slid up beside Merry and Pippin, plan already forming itself in my head.  
  
"Say, Master Took?" I asked, feigning a casual look, inspecting my nails. "Do you know a young hobbit lass, 'round your age, named Diamond? She is of Longcleeve."  
  
He thought for a moment, and then shook his head. "No, I do not believe so."  
  
// Purrrr-fect. //  
  
"Oh, good," I went on, pretending to heave a sigh of relief. "It is said that she bewitches men, and then on the night of their honeymoon, cuts off their -"  
  
~*~  
  
"WANG!" shouted our friend Tim, as he walked through the mall. He had a habit of saying things like that out of nowhere. Anyway. He walked into the arcade, surprised not to see Jessica and I drooling over our favorite game (the dancey game!). Shrugging, he made his way to the back, pausing when he saw a new game.  
  
"Lord of the Rings," he murmured, blinking and looking a bit closer. "Krissie will freak when she sees it. Huh. Looks like someone left in the middle of the game."  
  
~*~  
  
"Did you kiss him?" I asked, and Jessica grumbled, kicking a stone (because there are lots of THOSE at Isengard) and shaking her head 'no'. "Oh, come ON!"  
  
"Have you kissed Pip?" she asked, pointedly, and I shrugged.  
  
"No, but it's different. Kissing hobbits takes a lot of prep work. Much care must go into romancing them."  
  
"For God's sake, Kristin," Jessica mumbled. "You don't have to romance anything that has a-"  
  
~*~  
  
"BIG HAIRY COCK!" shouted Tim in frustration - as he often does - as he tried to maneuver Gimli through the levels. Things were getting difficult at Helm's Deep. He couldn't see a damn thing over that brick wall, and ladders kept hitting him on the head.  
  
~*~  
  
"I sense that another approaches our plane," said Gandalf, quietly, leaning on his staff.   
  
"Save us," muttered Aragorn, beside him. "Another one?"  
  
Gandalf nodded, and Aragorn rolled his eyes.  
  
"Let us hope this one doesn't drool over our friend the Elf quite as much as the other girl," muttered Gimli, shaking his yead.  
  
  
  
A/N: Yea, yea, I take ideas from Austin Powers. You know you love it. 


	8. Chapter Eight

A/N: ...   
  
  
Jessica sat on the steps, while I stood beside them, watching the sun rise.   
  
"A new day will come," I muttered, and Jessica glared up at me. "And when the sun shines, it will ring out the clearer."  
  
"You *so* need a life."  
  
"Whatever, fangirl."  
  
~*~  
  
This went on for a few hours, until we finally tired of sitting there, and I made Jessica make another valiant attempt at conversing with the Elf.   
  
"Hey," she said to him, and he looked up again from his arrows. Why is he always playing with his arrows? No clue. Just leave poor elfy alone with the quiver.   
  
"Hello," he replied, nodding politely to her.  
  
She paused, trying to think of something to say, and then offered, "I like your hair."  
  
"Thank you," he sounded a bit bewildered. "Yours is very strange."  
  
"Do you want to touch it? Seriously."  
  
He blinked, and then - looking somewhere between amused and completely freaked out - reached over to poke one of her spikes.   
  
"It's very hard."  
  
  
( A/N: I don't need a pun here. Just.. there. )  
  
  
~*~  
  
"How far can you shoot with that thing?"   
  
"Hundreds of yards," he replied (even though I'm not sure if they even use 'yards' in Middle Earth but I'm too lazy to look it up). She nodded, seemingly amused, and then cleared her throat, asking - with the straightest face she could maintain.  
  
"Can I play with your-"  
  
~*~  
  
"WANG!" shouted Tim triumphantly, beating the game and getting ready to go on to the Bonus Level. "I declare WANG to the WORLD!"   
  
~*~   
  
"-bow?"  
  
"Certainly, milady. I can teach you how to shoot it off properly."  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
Grinning, I sat next to Merry and Pippin, glancing from their feet.. to their crotches.. to their feet. They didn't quite understand why I was looking at them like that.  
  
When, from a distance, I heard Jessica ask - as innocently as ever - "Can I play with your bow?"  
  
I burts into a fit of laughter, holding my sides, and tumbled down the stairs of Isengard.  
  
  
  
~* A/N: And that's ALL she wrote, Jessica. No more chapters this period. *~ 


	9. Chapter Nine

A/N: I'm totally and completely STUCK. Help me. Someone. Please. The rest of the kids doing physics labs in the computer lab think we're insane, and Tim's going to kick my ass for putting him in the story, but it's ALL GOOD!   
  
  
  
Pippin and Merry called out in surprise as I tumbled down the stairs, still emersed in a fit of giggles.  
  
"Are you all right?" Merry exclaimed, helping me to my feet. I could only nod, still laughing hysterically.  
  
"Note to self," I managed, gasping in a breath and wiping tears. "Use 'can I play with your bow?' in the next slash I write."  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
Tim turned back to the screen, just in time to see the words "BONUS LEVEL" flashing at him. He grinned, and then was sucked into the game. He thudded down to the ground just within the borders of Isengard, the rock and stone ruins that were once walls, and were torn down by the Ents.  
  
An arrow whizzed by his head, and he jumped, blinking in surprise.  
  
~*~  
  
"Nice shot," said Legolas approvingly, nodding. "Just try to aim for the-" he paused, squinting and looking out. "There is a boy out there."  
  
Aragorn and Gimli straightened, and the three of them raced out to greet the new stranger. Meanwhile, I joined Jess, and we moseyed on over.   
  
Aragorn had his sword to Tim's throat, Legolas had an arrow notched and pointed at him, and Gimli had his axe raised high, threateningly.  
  
"Kris! Jess!" he shouted, clearly happy to see us. I shared a grin with Jessica, and crossed my arms over my chest. She did the same.  
  
"Do you know this boy?" asked Legolas, and I blinked, shrugging and feigning ignorance.  
  
"Never seen him before in my life."  
  
"KRIS!" he shouted, and Jessica held back a few giggles. "Come on! Tell them!"  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about," I replied, shrugging.  
  
"Kris! Come on!"  
  
"Well," I murmured, pretending to think and tapping my chin. "I might remember if a certain SOMEONE apologized for calling me a shitty smut writer."  
  
He grimaced like he was in pain, and then groaned. "Fine, fine. I'm sorry. You're not a shitty smut writer."  
  
"Do you know him?" Gimli repeated, sounding quite annoyed.   
  
"Yeah, yeah," Jessica said, rolling her eyes. "We know him. Unfortunately."  
  
Aragorn nodded, and the weapons were dropped. Tim breathed a sigh of releif, and glared in my direction.   
  
"Thanks a lot, KRIS," he growled, and I shrugged off-handedly, turning to head back to the steps of Isengard.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
"So how did we get here?" Tim asked, and Jessica and I shared looks.   
  
"Uh.. there was some lights... and.. we were in the arcade.."  
  
"How are we going to get back?"  
  
"Get back?" I asked, and Jessica shrugged when I looked to her for help. "We hadn't really thought of that."  
  
  
~A/N: Yeah, yeah. All done. Bye! *~ 


	10. Chapter Ten

A/N: 15 minutes to write a chapter. Let's see me do it.  
  
  
"Why would we even *want* to leave?" I asked, astonished that Tim would even suggest it. "This is Middle Earth. Elves, Hobbits... "  
  
"Sex," threw in Jessica, shrugging.   
  
"We *have* to leave," replied Tim, glaring and crossing his arms. "I mean.. we could alter their entire reality."  
  
There was a pause, and Jessica and I shared a look. And we started laughing.  
  
"And get laid!" I said with a giggle. Tim, meanwhile, rolled his eyes.  
  
"Women."  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
After a lot of disagreement, and Jessica kicking Tim in the balls a few times, we finally decided that it would be best to go home. Now, the only question was, how?  
  
I stood, eyes closed, hands on my head. Behind me, Jessica chanted, "Wait for it... wait for it.. waiiit.. for it..."  
  
"Does that really help her think?" asked Tim, blinking and looking all together astounded at the idiocy in front of him.   
  
"Well.. yeah," said Jessica, and she continued her chant, monk-like.   
  
"I've got it!" I shouted suddenly, and Jessica blinked. Tim jumped, and there was a clatter of metal as every male in Isengard drew his sword, axe, bow, or whatever weapon he had at my sudden outburst.  
  
"..heh.." I said quietly, shifting uncomfortably, and then I turned to Jessica. "All we have to do is click our shoes together three times and say 'There's no place like-'"  
  
I was cut off by Jessica slapping me in the back of the head and Tim groaning, face-faulting, and falling backwards down the stairs of the tower, stunned with my stupid suggestion.   
  
  
~*~  
  
  
"Okay, so you're sure this'll work?" I asked Gandalf, eyeing him suspiciously. All of this waving-of-the-staff business sounded a bit fishy to me.  
  
"Certainly, certainly," he muttered, shaking his head. "Anything to get you out of our way."  
  
"I am offended!" said Tim loudly, and Jessica and I giggled.  
  
"Yeah, seriously rude Wizard," Jessica mumbled.  
  
"Oh, come along. Are you ready to depart?"  
  
I nodded, and Jessica was about to nod, when she saw, out of the corner of her eye, a certain blonde girly elf. She held up her finger, and grinned to me.  
  
"Just.. twenty minutes. That's all I need." And she dashed off, grabbing Legolas' hand and pulling him behind the tower.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
"What is she doing?" asked Pippin, blinking as various sex-sounds emerged from behind the tower, where Legolas and Jessica were... doing... god-knows what.  
  
I grinned, looking to Tim and sticking my tongue out, flicking him the middle finger, and then smiled sweetly down to Pip.  
  
"Would you like to find out?"  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
A/N: And I have to leave it here.. just one more chapter left, and then it'll be over. 


	11. Chapter Eleven The Last Chapter!

A/N: All right, all right. The last chapter, before Jessica kills me. (And if anyone says the 's' word (sequel), I can and will rip out your tongue! *^.^* Have a nice day!) PS: My birthday's on Sunday. I'll be 18... someone tell Pippin I'm legal now, kay?  
  
  
"Oh, Legolas!"  
  
"What devilry is this?" the elf shouted, from behind the tower, where he and Jessica were, still.  
  
~*~  
  
"It's not devilry," I mumbled, rolling my eyes and shoving my hands into my pockets, waiting patiently for Jessica to finish screwing the elf and be ready to leave. "It's from reading Cosmo."  
  
Pippin blinked, looking up to me. "Cosmo?" he asked, saying it funny because of his accent. "What's Cosmo?"  
  
"Is it some sort of tome?" asked Gandalf, blinking and leaning on his staff. "An ancient source of knowledge and lore, perhaps?"  
  
"Or an account of a great battle?" put in Gimli, while Tim and I exchanged looks, and I tried not to laugh.  
  
"Nah," I shrugged, nonchalantly. "It just tells you how to give really good head."  
  
  
~*~ (A/N: All the credit in the world to De for that one. If she's reading, lol.) ~*~  
  
  
Jessica and Legolas were still romping behind the tower somewhere, and Tim was starting to look anxious to get back. I bounced on my heels for a moment, and then sighed and grabbed Pippin's hand, hauling him off behind a few stone pillars.  
  
"It's about time," muttered Tim, turning to Aragorn and smirking. "So, how's that Arwen chick in bed?"  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
Legolas and Jessica lay, utterly spent and (thankfully) clothed, behind the tower. Jessica yawned and stretched, Legolas watching her.  
  
"Are all the girls in the world like you?" he asked, curiously.  
  
"Well.." she pondered a moment, and shrugged. "I guess."  
  
"Perchance I ought to convince Gandalf to take us on vacation," he said, and they both laughed for a moment.   
  
"Yeah.. that'd be sweet. You'd have to watch out for the others, though."  
  
"Other what?"  
  
"The other fangirls," she said, snickering. "They'll do unholy things to you."  
  
"The same kinds of unholy things you did?" he asked, voice bordering on hopeful.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
It was almost another half-hour before Jessica and I (just having gotten through with some great hobbit-sex, of course) joined Tim again, who had a black eye from that comment about Arwen. Go, Aragorn.  
  
"Are you *quite* finished?" asked Gandalf, sounding quite annoyed with us.  
  
"Yeah, yeah," muttered Jessica, winking up at Legolas. "See about that vacation, hm, cutie?"  
  
"Oh, jesus," Tim groaned, and shook his head, kind of pissed off about being here, and having gotten a black eye in the process. "Let's just go."  
  
"All right, all right, gather 'round," said Gandalf, raising his staff. "This is a very old, very powerful spell, the origins of which are unknown. It may never be uttered by any of you," he warned, and we all nodded.  
  
He raised the staff higher into the air and shouted: "Abra Cadabra!"  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
In a pile of hands and arms and feet and legs, we crashed back onto earth, atop the Dancey game. Groaning, Jessica pushed Tim.  
  
"Get your foot off of my ass," she muttered, and he moved.   
  
"Woah, hands!" I shouted, jumping up and slapping Tim. I helped Jessica up, and Tim stood as well, wobbling a little on his feet. Around us, the kids in the arcade were gathering around, looking at us, wide-eyed.  
  
"Think of something," I murmured, and Tim quickly jumped out in front of us, waving his arms and speaking in a hypnotic voice.  
  
"This is oonnlyy a dreeeaammm.." he said, and continued to wave them, as we sidestepped out of the arcade.  
  
On the Lord of the Rings game, the screen flashed with the words : "HIGH SCORE: GAME OVER." And then they flashed again: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY AGAIN?"  
  
  
~* A/N: The end. Dammit. *~ 


End file.
